Boundary Implementation (External & Internal)

Boundaries for Avoiding Internal Listening & Talking Boundary Violations:

1. Don’t imply by word or deed that another person is worthless.  That is called shaming another person.
2. Don’t yell or scream at another person.
3. Don’t ridicule another person.
4. Don’t lie.
5. Don’t break a commitment for any reason.
6. Don’t attempt to control or manipulate another person.
7. Don’t be sarcastic while being intimate.  Greek etymology of “sarcastic” means “rending (tear apart, rip) the flesh.”
8. Don’t interrupt.

 Boundaries for Avoiding the Blame Game

1. Don’t blame others for what is going on with your body.
2. Don’t blame others for what you are thinking.
3. Don’t blame others for what you are feeling.
4. Don’t blame others for the choices you make.

 Boundaries for Exercising the Internal Talking Boundaries

1. Set your physical boundary in order to be more comfortable as you talk.
2. Remind yourself not to blame.
3. Remind yourself you are sharing to be known, not control or manipulate.
4. Remind yourself to moderate your emotions by mental awareness and breath work….breathe deeply when you are experiencing emotion.
5. Utilize speaker/listener method of speaking….”I” statements.
6. State what you want/need to share without using words that are demeaning…what you saw, felt, heard.
7. State what you believe or made up regarding rule 6.
8. State what you feel or made yourself feel (old tapes) regarding rule 7.
9. State what you did regarding your thoughts and feelings.
10. State how you would prefer things to be, if appropriate.  If negotiation is required, utilize speaker/listener problem resolution method.

Boundaries for Talking to Your Partner

1. Utilize Speaker/Listener structure.
2. Don’t accuse/blame (Negatively interpret/escalate).
3. Don’t tell your partner what he or she should be feeling (invalidate).
4. Don’t give advice…unless invited to do so.
5. Don’t judge (negative interpretation).
6. Don’t guess your partner’s motivation…mind reading.
7. Don’t be sarcastic.
8. Don’t use hard to understand private jargon.
9. Don’t say, “you really don’t understand me…disqualifies partner from conversation.
10. Don’t call partner names.

 Boundaries for Exercising the Internal Listening Boundary

1. Set your external physical boundary in order to be safe and comfortable to listen.
2. Remind yourself not to blame.
3. Remind yourself the emotions you experience as you listen have to be regulated by breath work so they do not become too powerful and radiate toxically in the air.
4. Remind yourself that you are listening to find out who the other person is, not to formulate your defense…KNOWING….validation.
5. Review that you protect yourself as you listen by determining if what is being said is “true, “not true,” or “questionable.”
6. If what you are hearing is “true,” allow yourself to feel emotions about this truth.
7. If what you are hearing is “not true,” detach from feeling emotions about what is being said.
8. If what you are hearing is “questionable’” when the person is finished talking & after validation, ask for the data you need in order to decide if it is “true” or “not true.”  Ask for the data without complaining, blaming or explaining why you need the data.  This will help the other person listen.
9. After communication is complete and there still needs to be negotiation for a problem/conflict resolution, join each other in a problem/conflict resolution process.

  Boundaries for Avoiding External Physical Boundary Violations:

1. Don’t stand in another’s personal space without permission.
2. Don’t touch a person without permission.
3. Don’t get into a person’s belongings – purse, wallet, mail, phone etc. or living space without permission.
4. Don’t listen to a person’s personal conversations without permission.
5. Don’t ever expose others to the risk of contagious illness.
6. Don’t physically harm or threaten to harm another person.

Boundaries for Avoiding External Sexual Boundary Violations:

1.      Don’t engage a person sexually without permission.
2.      Don’t insist on having your way sexually in the face of another’s “no.”
3.      Don’t demand unsafe sexual practices.
4.      Don’t expose others to sexual experience without permission.
5.      Don’t sexually shame another person.

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Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT

Sexual Addiction Therapist at Front Range Counseling Center

Kevin Leapley specializes in both marriage counseling and sexual addiction therapy for men. Kevin has received specialized training by Dr. Patrick Carnes and obtained his CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist). Kevin has also received extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and is a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist .

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