What a Pandemic teaches us about Relationship Stress
By Christine Denlinger, MA, LPC on Wednesday, April 8th, 2020 in Marriage Counseling. No Comments
It is no surprise that everyone is experiencing more stress these days due to the realities of the COVID-19 pandemic. From learning to work from home, to new precautions to mitigate a global disease, to loss of income, to not having easy access to toilet paper…these are just a few of the new stressors we are currently facing.
It is important to clarify that stress is not a bad word, but is simply a reality that we all have to learn to manage. Stress is necessary for our ability to function and grow but too much of it can have detrimental and even devastating effects. The current stressors in our lives not only impact us at a personal level but they also affect our most intimate relationships. How we handle stress increases or decreases our own ability to flourish and has a symbiotic impact on the well-being of others. The lessons we all are currently learning and applying as we try and live through this global crisis brought about by a deadly virus can also be applied to how we handle stress as individuals, couples, families and in our communities at large.
Lesson #1
Flatten the curve The collective goal during this current pandemic is to flatten the curve so that medical systems will not be overwhelmed and the spread of the disease will decrease over time rather than spike all at once. Like these external systems we are trying to protect from added stress, human beings have a central nervous system that reacts to stress and needs protection. Each one of us develops a window of tolerance where we are able to handle stress effectively and not overwhelm our systems (body, emotions and brain). When there is too much stress or we have not developed effective tools to manage stress, our systems can become overwhelmed and we tend to function outside of our window of tolerance by either “ramping up” or “shutting down”. In extremes, “ramping up” can look like excessive anger, increased irritability, high anxiety and panic. In extremes, “shutting down” can look like escaping through use of drugs or alcohol, internet binging, checking out emotionally or depression. How we manage our own central.
Top 10 Personal Favorites for Stress Management
- Go for a walk
- Drink herbal tea
- Talk to my husband
- Build a fire and roast marshmallows
- Create a bedtime routine
- Practice gratitude
- Focus on what I can control
- Pray & meditate on encouraging truth
- Watch comedy and laugh
- Hug my loved ones
What you can do: Practice self-care.
Find the habits that allow you to function without overwhelming or underwhelming your system such as good nutrition, moderate exercise, spiritual practices such as prayer, journaling thoughts and feelings and sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted loved ones.
Lesson #2 Prioritize the Essential
By now, most of us don’t really care if we are not getting the exact kind of bread we like at the grocery store, as long as we can get bread… or toilet paper for that matter! We are also probably not buying things that are nice to have but we don’t really need. And with the uncertain economic realities for many, prioritizing the essential has been our focus. Under stress, energy is a limited commodity. Where we choose to spend it matters and will allow us to survive through challenging times and limited resources. In relationships, we can mismanage our limited energy by focusing on superficial or trivial matters or on utilizing most of our energy on the pursuit of what we perceive will bring us happiness such as accumulating wealth, lots of leisure and experiences that make us feel good. In doing so, we can neglect investing energy in the deepening of bonds in our marriages, children, and in other relationships that matter, resources that actually bring us increased joy.
What you can do:
Invest in what really matters. Think through where you are spending most of your energy and where you are wasting it in non-essential matters. Re-prioritize those areas and the people that bring you true joy. Stop investing so much time in the things you are doing that don’t add value to your life.
Lesson #3 Practice Social distancing
Perhaps the worst part of this pandemic is that we are having to practice social distancing for the well-being of others in order to collectively limit the spread of this disease. Most of us are longing for the time when we can move about freely and visit and hug those we care about. But the boundaries and limitations we are practicing now are in the best interest of all of those around us including our most intimate relationships and of our own selves. We may not like the boundaries that have been imposed upon us, but we probably understand that they are for our own good and for the good of our society and world. Practicing boundaries in general, even when we are not in a crisis, allows us to function from our best self and protects us from toxic relationship stress that can harm us.
What you can do: Communicate, implement and respect boundaries.
Ask yourself what are the boundaries or limitations on yourself that will help you be your best self (personal disciplines, practices that help you grow and flourish, personal preferences that align with your personality and gifting). Communicate these boundaries clearly with those you love and ask them to engage with you in a way that respects these boundaries. Ask your loved ones to communicate their boundaries with you and respect these. There are always opportunities for growth in the midst of an undesired crisis. This pandemic is no different. Taking care of ourselves and thinking beyond ourselves will not only help us handle stress effectively but can be a catalyst for building personal resilience and strong relational bonds.
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- What a Pandemic teaches us about Relationship Stress - April 8, 2020