Helping Couples Stay Healthy In Covid-19 Era

For most, 2020 has been filled with many ups and downs. The presence of Covid19 has forced people to shift their daily routines and adjust to new realities. From working from home to spending more time together in quarantine, many couples have found themselves questioning their relationship as a whole. “Has my husband always been this quiet?”, “I feel like I don’t know her anymore”, “why have I never noticed how messy he is?”, “do we even have anything in common anymore?” All of the new found quality time has given opportunity to see one’s partner in a new light.

Many of the popular issues among couples today can be boiled down to three key areas; communication, conflict resolution, and connection. Although Covid 19 seems to have brought new awareness in relationships, all hope is not lost. This just might be the perfect time to fine- tune these areas and come out of this pandemic stronger than ever.

Let’s start with communication

We all have a communication style. This is essentially the way in which we handle communication in relationships. It should come as no surprise that quarantine has shone a light onto the way we communicate with the person we are closest to. The most common styles of communication are passive, passive-aggressive, assertive and aggressive.

Passive communicators may experience difficulty in expressing their feelings or opinions, they may be dismissive of their own needs in attempts to keep the peace, shy away from creating and maintaining boundaries and avoid difficult conversations.

Passive-aggressive communicators may minimize or deny there is a problem, often utilize sarcasm, and may have difficulty acknowledging their true needs and feelings.

Assertive communicators can state their needs clearly and directly, use “I” statements, have healthy boundaries, and can listen well without interrupting others.

Aggressive communicators may try to dominate others with their tone and language, tend to have a “short fuse”, and often criticize and blame others for problems.

You may find yourself identifying with one of these categories, but no matter which communication style you fall under, there is a clear path to achieving healthy and productive communication between you and your partner.

Be Clear and Concise

This one may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s common to want to shy away from difficult topics. A marriage is no place for dropping hints, or creating false assumptions. When needs are not clearly communicated, you run the risk of creating stories that may not be accurate. Take the guesswork out and be as specific as possible. Be clear with what you want to express by utilizing “I feel” statements. This enables the other party to keep their guard down and it also keeps the focus on how you feel and what you need in the discussion. Instead of saying “you are always watching tv and ignoring all the work I have with the kids”, try saying “I feel overwhelmed with the kids today, could you help me with their homework?”

Listen to Understand

Listening is not hard, but listening to understand is not always as simple as it seems. Often times, we are listening so that we can create a rebuttal rather than trying to understand and truly hear the needs and feelings of another. Utilizing active listening skills is vital to healthy communication. Take a moment to pause and reflect what your spouse has just told you to ensure that you are both on the same page. If there is a point in the conversation where you still don’t see eye to eye, ask clarifying questions so that you can understand their point of view. Most of the time, it’s not always about agreeing with your partner that is important, but more about empathizing with and validating their emotions that makes the biggest difference.

Keep Your Guard Down

This may come as a shock, but it’s not always about you! Sometimes you have a bad day, or are feeling down with the current state of the world. Understanding that your partner may experience feelings outside of you will go a long way. Responding immediately on the defense is a recipe for disaster. When your spouse comes to you with a request, feeling, or need, respond with your guard down. Have the goal of partnering with your spouse toward a shared outcome and this will send the message that you are working as a team. Refrain from jumping to conclusions; this is not a you vs. them situation.

Give and Receive Feedback

If regular communication does not describe the culture of your home, make sure that it does. Make a commitment to communicate with one another regularly and honestly. Sometimes setting a specific day and time each week to check in will enable communication to become the norm. If you don’t know where to start, try “how am I doing as a wife today?”, “what did I do that made you feel loved”, “how can I help you in this?”. The more open and available you can be within the relationship, the more you will be able to reinforce that you are a safe and trusted place for your spouse. Speaking truth in love is a cornerstone for healthy relationships.

Body Language Matters

Imagine someone coming to you and they have their arms crossed and a stern look on their face. This would probably convey that a difficult or even hostile message is about to be delivered. Because communication is more than the words that we use, body language matters. Maintain an open posture, utilize gentle touch on your partners arm or hand when speaking with them, use a calming tone and maintain eye contact.

There’s a saying, “you can’t expect what you don’t communicate”. Next time you find yourself wishing or hoping for things to change – try communicating your needs, thoughts and feelings. In the next post, we will be diving into conflict resolution skills.

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