Marriage Counselors & Sex Addiction Therapists

Characteristics of Trust

By Steve Marks, MA, NCC, LPC on Saturday, May 7th, 2016 in Marriage Counseling. No Comments

counselors in denver marriage“Don’t you trust me?”

“How can I trust him/her?”

Trust is foundational for all relationships, but especially for our marriages. Trust is not so easy to cultivate and, once broken, can be excruciatingly difficult to repair.

Some people come by it naturally. They find it easy to trust others, maybe because they saw good examples of love, faithfulness, and trustworthiness in their childhood.

But for others, trusting people can feel foolish and uncomfortable. They don’t want to be let down, they have a hard time believing that people have good intentions and will follow through. This general belief that nobody is truly trustworthy can cast a shadow over all of their interactions. But, all is not lost. Trust can be learned over time and carefully cultivated within a relationship. But, how?

Trusting Yourself

It is difficult to trust others when you don’t trust yourself. The first step, then, is to become a trustworthy person. People who instill trust in others all share these same five characteristics.

The 5 Characteristics of Trust

1. Integrity

Integrity means doing the right thing at all times and in all circumstances, whether or not anyone is watching. It means living your life Wholeheartedly, as Brene Brown puts it, having the same values at work as you do at home and around your friends. Do you hold the same values no matter where you go? Will you act on what you believe in?

2. Honesty

“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.” – Albert Einstein

With integrity comes the freedom to be honest in all circumstances. When you hold the same values in all circumstances, it is easy to tell the truth. Do you say what you mean or omit important details? Of course, everyone is prone to slip and tell a lie or exaggerate once in a while. But, an honest person will own up to the lie and admit the truth. Are you honest about who you are and what you believe, or do you cater your answers and change them based on who is listening?

3. Consistency

Like integrity and honesty, consistency is a crucial factor in building trust with others. Are you considered reliable or would people say you are pretty flaky? Do you come through for others when you say you will? Are you keeping the commitments, big and small, that you make to others? The kind of consistency that builds trust is the kind that others can rely on.

In his book The Speed of Trust, Stephen M.R. Covey writes, “One of the fastest ways to restore trust is to make and keep commitments – even very small commitments – to ourselves and to others.”

4. Intent

Can others trust that your intentions are not solely self-preserving? Are you the type to throw someone else under the bus to save your own reputation, or will you sacrifice yourself? Gandhi once said, “The moment there is suspicion about a person’s motives, everything he does becomes tainted.”

People need to believe that your intentions are good and that you will act on them no matter what. Mistakes may happen and things may go wrong, but if those around you can sincerely point to a track record of your good intentions and actions upon them, you will easily be forgiven.

5. Transparency

How would you feel if anybody and everybody listened in on your conversations? How would you feel if your spouse were browsing your text messages and emails? This is one of the most divisive hurdles we hear about. However, if you are trustworthy, nothing in your communications to anyone should need to be so private that you couldn’t share them openly and willingly with your partner. Of course, there are gifts and surprises that we would like to keep private, but aside from those circumstances, full disclosure is critical in building trust with people that are important to you.

So, how do you fare? With the five characteristics above, where are you at? Would you give yourself a gold star or are there areas you could improve? It is easy to point the finger at other people, even our partner, but becoming trustworthy is the first step in building trust in your relationship.

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Steve Marks, MA, NCC, LPC

Steven Marks specializes in both couples/marriage counseling and sexual addiction couples recovery and therapy for men. Steven has received specialized training in relationship/marriage and sexual addiction counseling.  He is Clinical Director for Front Range Counseling, an outpatient mental health clinic in Denver and Littleton Colorado.

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