Anger Management: Real Wrongs and Perceived Wrongs

Anger Management Denver

Anger can ruin marriages, families, and yourself.  Our marriage counselors often encounter anger issues in working with couples and direct the individual to work on the anger in individual counseling sessions.

Once you have identified your thoughts you need to determine if is is a real wrong or a perceived wrong. Sometimes we get angry because there is a real wrong, a real injustice in the world. A real wrong is something that is immoral, unethical, or sinful. A real wrong happens when someone intentionally hurts you or someone you love. Someone steals something of yours. Someone gossips about you. These things are wrong, and immoral. These are real wrongs and yo are justified in getting angry about them.

But most of the time–the vast majority of the time–we get angry because of perceived wrongs. A perceived wrong is something that is not a genuine wrongdoing. No one has done an evil against us. No one has “done us wrong.” Someone might have disappointed you, but it was not an immoral act. Maybe you’re in a bad mood, your desire was not met, or you have a perfectionist view towards yourself or others. Maybe your expectations are just too high, and that is way you got mad. Or maybe you just got mad because the world did not go according to your plan.

As a side not here, I am reminded of a time a few years ago when I gave a talk on anger to a large group of men. At the end I had some time for Q&A, and a gentleman stood up and asked me, “If you had to explain why people get angry in one word, what word would you use?”

I considered my options. Genetics? Environment? Stress?

After thinking for a moment I replied: “Selfishness.”

This response didn’t make me a lot of friends that day. And it is probably not what you wanted to read either. But once we really understand the nature of perceived wrongs, it starts to ring true.

To illustrate this point, I will pick on myself and tell you about the last three times I got angry.

1. This morning I got angry with my son when he couldn’t find his backpack, so I was late dropping him and his brother off at school.
2. Yesterday I was angry when my wife left the kitchen a mess after cooking.
3. Last week I was angry when I got a bill from the dentist and they charged me incorrectly.

In the three examples above, there is no real wrong taking place. There is nothing unethical or immoral here. The reason I was angry in all three situation was selfishness. When these events happened I was inconvenienced. Life did not go according to my plan. In my fictitious universe where i reign supreme things should happen the way I want them to. But unfortunately, a lot of times they don’t. And that’s when I get angry.

think about the following actual entries I have seen in my clients’ Anger Logs:

1. Customer service put me on hold and then disconnected my call.
2. My friend didn’t text me back right away when I sent him a text.
3. There was traffic on the highway.
4. The guy at Starbucks messed up my order.

In each of these examples what caused anger was not a real wrong. There is nothing immoral or unethical going on. Instead, what made each person mad was that the world did not go according to each individual’s plan. It is inconvenient to deal with incompetent customer service. It is frustrating when friends don’t respond to your messages. It’s annoying when you sit in traffic. And it is agitating when a barista gets your order wrong.

But there is nothing wrong with anything here. These are all examples about how anger comes from life not going according to my plan. Is it possible–just maybe–that the root of all these issues is really selfishness? That I am actually getting mad because I am not getting what I want? Often, when the world doesn’t revolve around me, that’s when I get mad.

When my two year old doesn’t get what he wants he throws a fit. Could it be that as adults we are really just doing the same thing?

Excerpt taken from “Take Control Of Your Anger: A Step-by-Stepy Guild to Anger Management” by Michael Ballard, MA, LPC

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Michael Ballard, MA, LPC

Counselor For Anger Management at Front Range Counseling Center

I am an anger management counselor at Front Range Counseling Center, an outpatient clinic in Denver that helps individuals and couples with anger problems. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Colorado. I provide counseling services for individuals, couples, and families who struggle with anger. I developed The ASCEND Method® for anger management, and have used this method with men and women, adults, teens, and children. I have also authored various workbooks, training manuals, and articles and has been published in The Washington Post.

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