Core Belief #4: Sex Is My Greatest Need

The 4th and final core belief  of a sex addict is “Sex is one of my greatest needs.  I’ll do anything to get it.”  Most men that I work with in my sex addiction counseling practice will often deny that this is true in their thinking until we review how he has crossed many of his own values, boundaries, marriage vow of forsaking all others, spiritual beliefs, and other lines of beliefs.  

Sex Addict’s Belief

The sex addict’s belief that sex is a need goes back to the desire to be loved, cared for, wanted, valued, seen, and especially connected to others.  As my earlier descriptions of the first three beliefs outline, the desire for sex is the “solution” to the real problem.  Just as a drug addict or alcoholic turn to a substance for pain relief, the man that struggles with sexual addiction turns to sex, fantasy, porn, etc. for relief of his/her inner pain.

The sex addict may have been sexually abused, neglected, abandoned, or rejected as a child and upon experiencing anything sexual, feels temporary relief (may experience the dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin as a solution for feeling empty, lonely, depressed, etc.).  As he continues to turn to the sexual acts, his brain will want more, better, and different.  Therefore, the sex addict pursues behaviors that are deeper, darker, and more deadly to his identity and the identities of others.

Acceptance Key To Recovery

The real solution for the man or woman struggling with sexual addiction is to find acceptance, love, and safety in relationship with others and especially with God.  No matter what the sex addict has been involved in, I convey that I accept him, value him, and love him.  I encourage him to join a sex addiction recovery group (counseling group, 12-step group, Celebrate Recovery, church group, etc.).

There he will find acceptance and connection to other men that have similar struggles.  The group will help him stay sober from past behaviors and eventually his belief will change to “Sex is optional.  Not a need.”  Once the sex addict lets go of sex as a need, he experiences freedom.  He can now explore other life goals that previously had become pushed aside by his pursuit of sex.

Sex Addicts Need To Be Loved

I end this discussion of the four distorted beliefs of a sex addict with the hypothesis that the sex addict’s pursuit of sex is really a pursuit for deeper spiritual connection with God.  I am reminded of the parable of the Prodigal Son told by Jesus.  The son misuses his father’s inheritance, seeking life through sex, drugs, and partying.  The Father waits for his son to learn his lesson (i.e. gets sick and tired of being sick and tired) and come back to him.  The son hits his bottom and turns back to return home in humiliation and shame.

He believes that his Father will only accept him as a slave rather than a son.  While he is still at a distance, the father sees him, has compassion upon him, runs to him, hugs him, and kisses him.  The returning son was astonished at the reception he receives from his Father.  He confesses and takes ownership over his ugly choices and behaviors, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.”  “I am no longer worthy to be called your son.”

Lost & Now Found

But before he can say the third part–before he can ask to be treated merely as a servant–the father interrupts things and takes them in a very different direction.  Rather than treating his younger son as a mere servant, he turns to the actual servants and orders a celebration. Why a celebration?  Because “This my son was dead, and is alive again”  “He was lost and is now found!”  This shows how God reacts when we return from being lost in sin.  God does not take us back reluctantly but rather he takes us back joyously!

Every man and woman that has lived a life pursuing sexual highs can expect to be fully accepted and joyfully called a son or daughter by God.  You have made mistakes, you have been lost, and you have been dead but now you have a chance to return.  What an awesome God!  This is what I believe every sex addict has been seeking and never finding.

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Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT

Sexual Addiction Therapist at Front Range Counseling Center

Kevin Leapley specializes in both marriage counseling and sexual addiction therapy for men. Kevin has received specialized training by Dr. Patrick Carnes and obtained his CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist). Kevin has also received extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and is a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist .

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