Partners Non-Negotiable Boundaries

The partner of sex addicts are in a difficult situation of not wanting to control the sex addict’s recovery or behaviors but wanting to feel safe in the relationship. The betrayal by the sex addict has essentially destroyed any trust or foundation of security in the relationship.

The counselor and partner of the sex addict will develop nonnegotiables or what are often called “bottom lines.” The bottom lines are essential, if not imperative, to the healing and recovery process.

Boundaries in Relationships

I often use the example of a house and yard to describe boundaries. A boundary line is similar to a house fence. It represents where you are responsible and also where you are not responsible (your neighbor or partner is responsible). A boundary is more flexible when it comes to a relationship (with room for give and take between partners). Understanding and identifying boundaries can help create a stronger sense of self and honor the boundaries of another. Establishing nonnegotiables in a relationship with a sex addicted partner provides you with more personal safety after choosing to stay in the relationship after betrayal.

Boundaries After Betrayal

Prior to finding out about his/her betrayal, the partner of the sex addict may have simply not known or avoided the truth about his/her addiction. With the help of setting nonnegotiables, the partner can take a different stance on the sex addict’s behaviors. Setting limits is a response to the addict’s behavior because it does impact you negatively. You having nonnegotiables is a way for you now to have a voice and to say to the addict “you hurt me and for me to feel safe and rebuild trust, I will need you to agree to the following. . . .”

Boundaries Protect

The purpose of establishing nonnegotiables is to protect you from being deceived again and hurt again. We recommend that your bottom lines be specifically spelled out exactly what will help you feel safer and to include whether you are prepared to act upon them. Boundaries mean nothing unless you are ready and willing to act so being honest with yourself about what you are willing to do is very important.

Nonnegotiables are for you and not for the purpose of punishing the sex addict (despite your desire to do so). These boundaries are for you to honor and protect yourself and essentially making the statement to the addict “this behavior is unacceptable to me.” It is a statement of self-respect. You are becoming empowered and no longer at the whim of the addict’s behaviors. This is about your healing and recovery, not the addict’s.

Boundaries Provide Safety

Often, nonnegotiables can feel like you are becoming controlling. You may have your doubts as you make your list of nonnegotiables and your addict partner may even voice that your list is unfair. We recommend that you and your counselor review the list together and both agree what is needed. If the nonnegotiable is to stop the addict from his/her behaviors, then yes, those would be controlling but if the goal is to protect you and greater stability, then it is a healthy boundary.

Examples of nonnegotiables are:

I need you to work your recovery with the purpose of healing (rather than simply appeasing me).
I need you to attend 12-step meetings weekly.
No internet without a filtering software that blocks specific websites.
I need you to be accountable with the money you spend or carry.
I need you to willingly give me access to your email, phone, cell phone, etc.
No contact with affair partner.
I want both of us to get STD and HIV tested

Must Follow Through With Boundaries

Remember, it is very important to follow through on your boundary if the bottom line is broken. Many partners have made threats in the past but never followed through with the consequences. We recommend having a specific plan in place in preparation for acting upon a nonnegotiable that is violated. Following through with a nonnegotiable is your responsibility and is part of your own recovery. Failing to follow through on a boundary is telling the addict that his/her behavior is no longer acceptable and must be changed immediately.

Here are some examples of potential consequences if your nonnegotiables are violated:

I will leave the marriage or relationship.
I will ask him to join me in my next individual counseling session to discuss the violations.
I will ask him/her to sleep in the other room or on the couch.
I will ask him/her to go to an inpatient center for more extensive therapy.
I will file for divorce.

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Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT

Sexual Addiction Therapist at Front Range Counseling Center

Kevin Leapley specializes in both marriage counseling and sexual addiction therapy for men. Kevin has received specialized training by Dr. Patrick Carnes and obtained his CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist). Kevin has also received extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and is a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist .

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Nonnegotiable Boundaries For Partners