General Information about
Sex Addiction Counseling
- A woman uses a vibrator so intensely she burns herself and has to go to the emergency room.
- A priest has a thousand-dollar-a-week prostitution habit. His only way to support the habit is to steal from the
parish he serves.
- A sixty-six year old man is arrested for the third time for stealing lingerie.
- A thirty-one year old man, married and the father of three small children, has been having sex with men in "hot
johns" since he was seventeen. He got married to stop. He went through treatment for alcoholism to stop. Now
he has AIDS. So does his wife. They are both dying.
- A thirty-three year old woman leaves her toddlers alone while she goes off to meet her lovers.
- A minister is confronted by the bishop, who has heard about his affairs with parishioners.
- A corporate Vice President has been the subject of seven sexual harassment complaints in two years. Now there
is a new one from a major customer.
- A forty-eight year old man is arrested for soliciting a fifteen year old in an internet chat room that turned out to be an adult policewoman. He tells the police officer that he felt like it was a setup but went through with it anyway.
Sex addicts use sex in the same way an alcoholic uses alcohol. Sex or lust is used to numb feelings and escape from the painful parts of their lives. The sexual experience becomes mood altering and in time becomes central to the sex addict’s life.
The fact that the addict has no control over their behavior is a difficult concept for non-addicts to grasp. This is particularly with regards to sex addiction and in aftermath of the many damaged relationships, ruined marriages, parentless children, and even worse, victims of sexual misconduct or crimes. There is little neutral response to sexual improprieties.
(Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)
What is Sexual Addiction
It is important to understand that addiction is a “solution” to pain, past trauma, and anxiety - addiction literally becomes a coping mechanism. If somebody starts doing something to cope, and if they do it long enough, the body adjusts to the point that it needs that level of activity just in order to feel balanced.
Sex addiction is seldom the sole solution/addiction that a sex addict uses. According to Dr. Carnes’ research, more than 83% of addicts report multiple addictions. The DSM-IV does not include sex addiction under substance-related disorders, but rather in a separate category called Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders. More than 83% of sex addicts report multiple addictions, including chemical dependency (42%), eating disorders (38%), compulsive working (28%), compulsive spending (26%), and compulsive gambling (5%). As a counselor treating addictions, I always assess for multiple addictions rather than just the one presented by the client. As can be seen in the drawing above, if one addiction (“solution”) is eliminated, there are plenty of others to take its place as the “drug” of choice. (Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)
Definition of Sexual Addiction
“A sexual addiction is occurring when the sexual experience has become the driving force of people’s lives to the
sacrifice of their health, family, friends, values, and jobs. Sex addicts are people who have lost the power to choose
when, where, and with whom they wish to be sexual.”
“Addiction is an illness of escape. Its goal is to obliterate, medicate, or ignore reality. It is an alternative to letting oneself feel hurt, betrayal, worry, and—most painful of all—loneliness.” (Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)
Our Explanation for Sexual Addiction
A person who is addicted to sex is living in an imaginary, self-created world that avoids the possibility of experiencing rejection or the risk of pain that a real relationship can offer. It is a person’s attempt to avoid the pain often caused by real intimacy. The sex addict is essentially creating a pseudo-relationship with someone/something that can be controlled and manipulated; such as a picture, a video, or a prostitute.
The main issue of sexual addiction is not the need for more sex, rather, it is to control and avoid relational pain. This is similar to how an alcoholic or drug addict uses alcohol or drugs to avoid their pain.
Sex addicts are some of the loneliest people on the planet. Sex addicts desire to connect with others but due to childhood disconnection (or detachment) with their Caregivers (due to divorce, abuse, neglect, abandonment, death, addictions, etc.), the addict attempts to fill the connection with by bonding with/attaching to something/someone “safe” and controllable. The sex addict tries to connect with the “unreal” (or an illusion) than the real connection (God and others).
Breakdown of Sex Addiction
Addiction is a shame based illness
- There is a hole or leak in the sense of self that no amount of affirmation can fill it because it goes thru the hole
- Sobriety is the way to fix the hole of shame
- Flawed sense of self
Addiction is an intimacy disorder
- Profound attachment issues (don’t know how to connect)
- Experts at making others feel he understands but really doesn’t
- Isolation and self soothing
Addiction is a problem of attention
- The ultimate attention deficit disorder
- Addiction is a way to create order
Addiction is a coping mechanism response to stress
- Solution to trauma (re-processing attempt from past)
- Grief and affect suppression
- Protection from painful memories
Addiction is a family disease
- Addiction served as a function in family system
- Genetics and nurture
(Tom Olschner, 2006)
(C arnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)
The addiction cycle is rooted in a larger addictive system which starts with a belief system. The belief system is a collection of convictions, myths, and values that affect the decisions we make.
At the core of this belief system are ideas the sex addict hold to be true of self and are:
“I am basically a bad, unworthy person.”
“No one would love me as I am.”
“No one will take care of my needs but me.”
“Sex meets my need.”
“Sexual activity becomes all about me and my survival.”
“Selfish ‘me’ sex leaves me empty and feeling shame…therefore.”
There is an internal logic that flows like this:
“Because I am unworthy, no one would love me if they really knew what I was like on the inside. Consequently, my needs are never going to be met if I have to tell the truth about who I am. Given that sex is my most important need, I will never be able to depend on another person who really knows me to get it.”
Out of this situation flow all kinds of delusional thinking which allows the addictive cycle to flourish. It essentially distorts reality or even blocks the awareness of what is going on around the addict. The addictive cycle becomes the driving force in the addict’s life. Bad things and consequences begin to happen. What the 12-steps call “unmanageability”. Lies, covering up, and inventing ways to keep losses at bay do not stop the accumulation. Sooner or later, their life becomes a mess. Addicts find themselves despairing about how complex, stressful, or awful their lives have become. The feelings of despair confirm their dysfunctional beliefs about being an unlovable person. Thus the system only strengthens and repeats and repeats.
Sex addicts get caught into a repetitive cycle called “The Addictive Cycle” (bottom part of above drawing). It starts off with:
Preoccupation or “sexual pressure” involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic. Fantasy becomes an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life. The addict’s thoughts become focused on reaching a mood-altering high without actually acting-out sexually. He thinks about sex to produce a trance-like state of arousal in order to fully eliminate feelings of the current pain of reality. Thinking about sex and planning out how to reach orgasm can continue for minutes or hours before moving into the next stage of the cycle.
These obsessions are intensified through the use of ritualization or “acting out”. A sex addict first cruises and then goes to a strip show to heighten his arousal until he is beyond the point of saying no. Ritualization helps to put distance between reality and sexual obsession. Rituals are a way to induce trance and further separate oneself from reality. Once the addict has begun his ritual, the chances of stopping that cycle diminish greatly. He is giving into the pull of the compelling sex act.
The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity or “sex act”. The tensions that the addict feels are reduced by acting on their sexual feelings. They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs. Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no matter what the circumstances or the consequences. The compulsive act, which normally ends in orgasm, is perhaps the starkest reminder of the degradation involved in the addiction as the person realizes that he has become nothing more than a slave to the addiction.
Almost immediately reality sets in and the Addict begins to feel ashamed. Like a dog, he has returned to his vomit. This point of the cycle is a painful place where the Addict has been many, many times. The last time the Addict was at this low point, they probably promised to never do it again. Yet once again, they act out and that leads to despair. He has betrayed God, possibly a wife, and his own sense of integrity. At a superficial level, the addict hopes that this will be the last battle.
For many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness. One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again. The cycle then perpetuates itself.
(Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)
CAN WOMEN BE SEX ADDICTED?
Yes! The number of women desiring treatment is growing significantly. The behaviors are the same as their male counterparts including: masturbation, pornography, internet activity, anonymous encounters and affairs. Dr. Patrick Carnes' research has shown that one-third of all sex addicts are women. If you are a female and think you may have a problem with compulsive sexual behavior, please call us today to start your journey of recovery. There is a solution for female sex addicts to recovery.