Anger Management Issues

Anger Management Issues requires a person to stop blaming others for his or her own anger. Blaming is the most self-destructive anger distortion. The same can be true in marriage counseling and blaming the other partner. The mistaken belief that underlies blaming is that other people are doing bad things to you, usually on purpose–and they aren’t going to get away with it. It’s true that blaming other people can make you feel better sometimes, but it leaves you feeling helpless as well. By blaming others, you are giving up the power to change the situation that is causing you pain. You keep waiting for them to change their behavior. But, of course, they never do. This can cause you to be judgmental and vindictive, lashing out angrily. The other person then responds by pulling back or counterattacking. Now you’ve got two problems, the original situation and the mess you’ve made with your anger reaction.

Examples of Blaming

• I could really enjoy this vacation if it weren’t for your constant complaining and always finding fault with things.
• If you really cared about me, you would have helped me with the resume, and then I would have gotten that job.
• You always ask me to give you a ride and then take all day to get dressed, so I’ll be late for my meeting.

It’s useful to remember that people are mostly doing the best they can. Everyone (including you) tends to behave in ways that will meet their own needs. The people you’re blaming are most likely just doing what they can to take care of themselves as best they know how.

When you sue a blaming strategy, your entire focus is on trying to change the other person. What’s easy to forget is that your not not stuck. You can make different choices. Remember that you have some options to change the situation–it doesn’t all depend on the other person. The key to dealing with self-defeating blaming is to develop a new coping strategy. This requires you to take responsibility and make your own plan to change the situation, or to figure out a different way of responding to it. Forget the other person–they’re not going to to do anything different. Therefore, your plan shouldn’t require any cooperation whatsoever from the person you blame.

Coping Thoughts to Replace Blaming

• I know that blaming makes me feel helpless, so what can I do to change the situation band make myself feel better?
• I can make a plan to take care of myself in this situation.
• I don’t like what he’d doing, but I know that he’s just trying to take care of himself.
• I’m hurt and disappointed, but I believe that she’s doing the best she can.
• I’m not helpless, and I can take car of myself in this situation.
• They’re doing what they need to do, so I’ll just have to do what I need to do.

Excerpt taken from “The Anger Control Workbook” by Matthew McKay & Peter Rogers.

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Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT

Sexual Addiction Therapist at Front Range Counseling Center

Kevin Leapley specializes in both marriage counseling and sexual addiction therapy for men. Kevin has received specialized training by Dr. Patrick Carnes and obtained his CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist). Kevin has also received extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and is a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist .

Latest posts by Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT (see all)

• Relationship Panic & Attachment - September 18, 2018
• Anger Management Coping - January 22, 2017
• How Do People Behave In Anger - December 31, 2016
• Anger Management Distortions: Overgeneralization - December 3, 2016
• Two Basic Traits That Help Relationships Last - November 22, 2016