Anger Management Tool: Direct Confrontation

For a lot of people, direct confrontation turn into scathing criticism or lashing tirades. They raise their voices, yell, scream, swear, threaten, or use intimidating language. They have angry, rude discussions. They blow up or explode in some way. Or maybe they confront with biting, sarcastic remarks. They hold their ground in the argument, but do so in an angry, offensive way. Marriage therapists often include teaching direct confrontation in their relationship programs.

Mean and Firm

These confrontations are Mean and Firm.

The purpose of confrontation is not to prove that you are right, to blow off steam, to feel better about yourself, or to “let them have it.” Direct confrontation is not about chewing somebody out. As I said earlier, you confront them so that it leads to resolution. The point is to solve the problem, not for you to win.

I once had a client tell me, “I did what you said last week and practiced direct confrontation. I sure ripped him a new one.” I stopped him right there. If he “ripped him a new one,” then he was not practicing direct confrontation. he was being mean and firm.

If you can tell that your anger is at a high level, don’t start the conversation. Don’t go there, or it won’t go well. Practice your tools to calm yourself down first. Direct confrontation is a quiet, calm conversation, not an explosion.

Verbal Abuse

To be perfectly clear, direct confrontation should NOT involve verbal abuse. There are two characteristics of verbal abuse.

• Verbal abuse attacks the person (instead of the situation).
• Verbal abuse tries to bring a person down (instead of trying to solve the problem).

Confrontation becomes abusive when:

• We attack a person (you are such a jerk) rather than a situation (you forgot to pick up the kids).
• Our words or actions hurt or punish rather than make things better.
• We tear someone down rather than being constructive.

Many arguments are verbally abusive. They do not have to be loud, screaming, swearing matches to be abusive. They just need to attack a person and tear them down instead of attacking an issue. If you are guilty of using verbal abuse, for many, many reasons (including your health and the health of the other person) you need to stop. It will only make your situation worse.

The point of direct confrontation is to solve a problem, not to tear a person down.

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Michael Ballard, MA, LPC

Counselor For Anger Management at Front Range Counseling Center

I am an anger management counselor at Front Range Counseling Center, an outpatient clinic in Denver that helps individuals and couples with anger problems. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Colorado. I provide counseling services for individuals, couples, and families who struggle with anger. I developed The ASCEND Method® for anger management, and have used this method with men and women, adults, teens, and children. I have also authored various workbooks, training manuals, and articles and has been published in The Washington Post.

Latest posts by Michael Ballard, MA, LPC (see all)

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